More Tweaks to Aging Magic

Christopher Vollick [2015-06-03 10:29]
More Tweaks to Aging Magic
Filename
aging_magic.mime
diff --git a/aging_magic.mime b/aging_magic.mime
index 20e07b2..9f61cb0 100644
--- a/aging_magic.mime
+++ b/aging_magic.mime
@@ -8,7 +8,7 @@ The air is so dry it stings my eyes just to open them, but I have to keep them o

 The bodies all around me were destroyed in the last blast and the ones that came before.
 I'm thankful that they died quickly. I don't know why he's after me, but besides the fear they felt in their last moments, they didn't suffer.
-Black soot marks where each life ended, and there's a lot of soot around.
+A pile of black soot shows where each life ended, and there's a lot of soot around.
 A gentle breeze moves through the library, lazily clearing away the tops of the tables; casually erasing the only memory of these people I have.

 Wait, where is he?
@@ -16,7 +16,7 @@ Wait, where is he?
 "I see perhaps I've underestimated your development", he sneers coming into the room from the hole in the wall, "I took too long to find you."

 Raising his hand to his side, he cups his palm upwards as it begins to fill with the fire streaming from his fingertips.
-I can feel the hair on my body stand upright, and I pry my eyes away from his smirk as I look for somewhere to hide.
+I can feel the hair on my body stand upright, and I pry my eyes away from his smirk and look for somewhere to hide.

 His power seems pretty great, but his form is sloppy. He takes a full few beats to wind up his maneuver and I see it coming from a mile away.
 I sprint towards the nearest bookshelf, timing in my mind how long I have before he finally releases this blast.
@@ -36,13 +36,13 @@ I scramble to my feet amongst the piles of scattered books, and do a hunched kin
 As I'm passing the shelves and looking back it seems really quiet.
 I dip down another row and I'm starting to get ner--

-Woah holy shit! A huge stroke of fire comes way too close to my face, and even though I pull back the split-second of exposure was enough to hurt like crazy.
-I check my nose to make sure it's still there, while I hear an sound like someone exerting a great effort from somewhere beyond the shelves.
+Woah holy shit! A huge stroke of fire comes way too close to my face and, even though I pull back, the split-second of exposure was enough to hurt like crazy.
+I check my nose to make sure it's still there, and I hear a sound like someone exerting a great effort from somewhere beyond the shelves.
 Maybe he's getting tired?

 Nope.
 A floor-to-ceiling wall of flames pours down the row behind me and starts sweeping my way, while he sounds like he's lifting a truck.
-I have no choice but to run out of the aisle and back into the wide open common area, almost making it before I get a tinging sensation on my back and the force of the fire propels me forwards, slamming me onto and over a desk.
+I have no choice but to run out of the aisle and back into the wide open common area; almost making it before I get a tinging sensation on my back and the force of the fire propels me forwards, slamming me onto and over a desk.

 I'm trying to catch my breath, and only sorta wondering why I'm not vaporized, and I can hear that he's also a little winded.
 And, if I'm judging his breath right, he's also a little frustrated that I didn't die already. That makes me a little happy.
@@ -69,7 +69,7 @@ Also, I think I'm "it".

 "This isn't the way Richard. We shouldn't try to kill them, we just need to train them."

-"That isn't a sure thing. An apprentice can kill their master."
+"That isn't assured! An apprentice can kill their master."

 "Like you did, Richard? Most of us don't do that. You've just always been a little twisted."

@@ -150,7 +150,7 @@ I'm leaning by the wall when he notices I've moved and looks towards me.
 "Where's Natalie got to? Is she coming back soon?"

 Oh God, this doesn't get any easier.
-I can feel my throat start to clench and my lips start to purse.
+I can feel my throat start to clench and my lips tighten.
 He was there when she died, and the first time he asked me this it shocked me.
 Now it just makes me sad.
 I've tried reminding him of the truth before, but he just gets really confused and hurt every time, like it was the first time he's heard of it.
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